Alright, show of hands – who here is in therapy because of their parents?

If you didn’t raise your hand and haven’t ever thought of your parents’ behaviour as toxic, then congrats. But if you’re waving your arm in the air wildly right now, then you’ll want to keep reading. 

That’s because a therapist has shared some thoughts on the best way to communicate your emotions and set boundaries with your family – and she claims it’s important to avoid ‘therapy speak’.

So while it might be tempting to accuse your mum of ‘gaslighting’ you, or tell your dad that you’re ‘protecting your peace’, it could actually end up doing more harm than good. 

While we might understand this language, the older generation isn’t necessarily as in tune with it and so it ends up being rather ‘triggering’ for them.

Seems rather ironic that the ones who trigger us are triggered by our healing journey, but according to LJ Jones, it’s the unfortunate truth.

‘Many parents were raised in a time when emotional intelligence and open communication about feelings were largely unheard of,’ Jones, an author and accredited member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, tells Metro. 

‘When we use psychological terms others don’t understand, it can sound clinical or critical and that triggers defensiveness instead of self-reflection and accountability.’

She explains that therapy phrases can’t just be thrown around, they need to be translated to hold proper meaning. 

‘Translation is the ability to express therapeutic insight in a way that others can understand, relate to, and perhaps also learn to assess their own behaviours and areas for growth.’

If you were to shout that your parents were ‘emotionally immature’ during an argument, this could create tension and cause upset – so it’s up to you whether language becomes a ‘bridge or a barrier’.

‘You can still protect your wellbeing and set boundaries, but connection can depend on how you say it,’ Jones continues.

‘Many parents avoid accountability and clients feel they are left with no choice but to arrive at estrangement, however, if you have parents who are willing to engage in open communication and restorative discussions, be sure to speak on a level with them rather than flooding them with new lexicon.’

Therapy speak to avoid using on your parents

She went on to share four examples of therapy speak that will ‘alienate’ your parents, and some ‘gentler, more impactful’ alternative things to say instead…

I’m protecting my peace

Instead try: I need some time to calm down, can we talk later?’

You’re emotionally immature

Instead try: I find it hard to talk about emotions between us – can we try a different approach?

You’re gaslighting me

Instead try: When my feelings are dismissed, I feel unseen. Can I explain what I meant?

I need to set boundaries

Instead try: I’m trying to find balance in my life to support my wellbeing, I hope you’ll understand.

‘The goal isn’t to silence yourself, it’s to be heard,’ Jones adds.

‘True healing and connection happens when self-awareness meets compassion and both parties are willing to do the work.’

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