Watching the colour drain from my mum’s and wife’s faces, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.  

It was like I was watching them being told I was dead already.  

I’d been having chest pains for a couple of days, but instead of being concerned, I’d continuously put it down to stress. It was only after my wife kept on at me to go to hospital and get it checked that I finally discovered the truth… 

‘You’re having a heart attack,’ said the doctor.  

I remember asking him whether I was going to be alright, to which he just looked at me and said: ‘I can’t promise you that.’   

At that moment I made a silent promise to myself to quit smoking, for good.  

Growing up, I never saw smoking as a problem. My parents, grandparents and friends all did it so it’s no wonder I took up the habit when I was 15.  

But what started as a social habit, only smoking when around friends, soon became an addiction – even if I didn’t want to admit it.  

By my late thirties, I smoked at least 30 cigarettes a day and, though I could generally keep up with my peers, I was starting to have issues with my breathing. 

Ever since I’d had a large section of my right lung removed at the age of three, I’d always had problems in this area. But lately, the breathlessness was worse than usual. 

Over the next decade my lung health continued to decline until, aged 41, I was diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder (COPD) – a common condition that mainly affects middle-aged or older adults who smoke. 

Having COPD meant I couldn’t clear my airway properly, which led to a build-up of excess mucus that in turn gave me a persistent cough and meant I suffered recurring chest infections. 

The one thing that would have eased my symptoms would have been to quit smoking, so I tried using Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT). 

However, as soon as I experienced any type of stress, I’d turn back to cigarettes. ‘One’s not going to hurt me,’ I’d think. Before I knew it though I’d have smoked a pack of 20. 

Each time I lapsed, I blamed myself, thinking I’d failed so what was the point in carrying on?  

Two years later, my COPD was worse than ever. I struggled for oxygen and it impacted my daily life – I’d get breathless getting out of the bath and even struggled to get ready in the morning.  

I vividly remember being sat on the bed trying to put a pair of socks on but I needed to stop and catch my breath while doing so.

It was humiliating.  

Around that same time, my first grandchild was born. Yet despite being a ‘young’ grandad, I just couldn’t keep up as I didn’t have the energy.  

I knew I had to make changes and went back to the doctors to try to quit again. I managed to go cold turkey for a couple of weeks but that’s as long as it lasted and soon, I felt like I was back to square one. 

Then at the age of 48, I started having those chest pains. 

At the hospital, doctor’s said the pains were actually a heart attack, not indigestion as I had believed and I was shocked – my experience was nothing like the sudden pain and clutching of the chest that’s depicted on TV and in films. 

Then, seeing the terrified looks on my loved ones faces, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. I’d done this to myself, I was in this position because I’d refused to quit smoking.  

I was transferred to James Cook University Hospital soon after where I had three stents fitted. Doctors told me afterwards it had been touch and go for a while as to whether I’d survive the surgery as my smoking was making every organ, including my heart, have to work much harder.  

Even though I’d already made my silent promise, I knew then I had to do better.   

Before my heart attack, I used to roll my eyes at anybody who asked me whether I smoked because I thought I was doing other things to protect myself, like eating healthily. But nearly dying made me realise how important health is.   

I had three grandchildren at the time, and I knew I needed, and wanted, to be around for them for a long time to come.  

Now, I’ve been smokefree for 18 months and my health has improved beyond my dreams.  

This time around I used a vape to help me quit – when I got cravings, I used that instead of returning to old habits – and I’m a lot less stressed because I finally feel I’m in control instead of the cigarettes controlling me.  

I’ve even had the chance to star in a TV ad for a regional quit smoking campaign, which is something I never thought I’d do. But, if hearing my story gives just one person the motivation to quit then I’ve done my job.   

Best of all though, I now feel better than ever.

I’m enjoying life again and am even able to play on the beach with my grandkids without getting breathless. I’m so pleased I get to be here with them and make those precious memories.  

Smoking is one of the most lethal addictions of all but I know how hard quitting can be.  

The important thing to remember is that there is lots of support out there to help you to quit. No matter how many times you have tried before, you should never treat a blip as a failure – just try something else and keep going.   

I never thought I’d be able to stop, but now I have and it’s the best thing I ever did.  

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing James.Besanvalle@metro.co.uk. 

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