{"id":12312,"date":"2026-02-08T11:30:00","date_gmt":"2026-02-08T12:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/curiousdrive.com\/?p=12312"},"modified":"2026-02-11T21:33:40","modified_gmt":"2026-02-11T21:33:40","slug":"i-felt-so-low-i-would-silently-hope-someone-would-crash-into-my-car","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/curiousdrive.com\/index.php\/2026\/02\/08\/i-felt-so-low-i-would-silently-hope-someone-would-crash-into-my-car\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018I felt so low, I would silently hope someone would crash into my car\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\n\t\t\"Close-up\t<\/div>
For a long while, Elle gave the impression she was coping but the reality was she battling suicidal thoughts (Picture: Getty Images)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

From the outside, Elle Ward looked like the life and soul of the party; funny, outgoing and confident. But inside, she was crumbling.<\/p>\n

\u2018I could be in the middle of a conversation, looking like I\u2019m having a good time. But in my head I am constantly asking if I\u2019m doing it right, if these people even like me<\/a>. I had a constant internal voice questioning everything,\u2019 the mother-of-one from Orpington explains.<\/p>\n

Elle, 28, struggled with self-harm, depression<\/a> and poor self-esteem<\/a> as a teenager, and often clashed with her parents. By her late twenties, juggling single motherhood and a demanding teaching job, she was dangerously low.<\/a><\/p>\n

\u2018On the drive to work, I would be silently begging someone to crash into my car, so I wouldn\u2019t have to do it myself,\u2019 she tells Metro<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

In October 2024, burnt out<\/a> from work and depressed<\/a> after the end of a long relationship, Elle decided she no longer wanted to live.<\/p>\n

\u2018I was going off the rails. I was driving, taking recreational drugs every Friday and Saturday night. By Sunday I wasn\u2019t a very nice person,’ she remembers. ‘My relationship with my parents was worse than ever. Everyone understandably thought I was selfish, but I was ill. I just felt \u2013 I can\u2019t do this anymore.\u2019<\/p>\n

That week, without anyone knowing, Elle quietly said her goodbyes. She took her eight-year-old son on trips to the zoo, the amusement arcade and London<\/a>, spent time with her grandparents, and had dinner with her parents.<\/p>\n

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\n\t\t\"\"\t<\/div>
28-year-old Elle had struggled with self-harm, depression and poor self-esteem as a teenager (Picture: Supplied)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

\u2018I was at peace with ending my life. And it sounds strange, but it was probably the best I’d felt in such a long time,\u2019 she recalls.<\/p>\n

Elle doesn\u2019t remember what happened after she kissed her parents goodnight and went up to her bedroom, but a chance visit from a neighbour saved her life and she was rushed to A&E. Two days later, she was transferred to a psychiatric ward<\/a> in Sidcup.<\/p>\n

Arriving at five in the morning, Elle was greeted by a man in a dress playing loud music in the communal area.<\/p>\n

\u2018I was petrified, and not in the head space to speak to anyone,\u2019 she explains. \u2018For the first week, I was so scared. I didn\u2019t think I belonged somewhere like that – but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.\u2019<\/p>\n

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\n\t\t\t\tNeed support?\t\t\t<\/h2>\n
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For emotional support, you can call the Samaritans<\/a> 24-hour helpline on 116 123<\/strong>, email jo@samaritans.org<\/a>, visit a Samaritans branch in person<\/a> or go to the Samaritans website<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Their HOPELINE247 <\/a>is open every day of the year, 24 hours a day. You can call 0800 068 4141, text 88247 or email: pat@papyrus-uk.org<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n

With her phone<\/a> and toiletries confiscated, Elle was shown to her room, where everything was bolted to the floor. There, she stayed in bed for days.<\/p>\n

\u2018I refused to talk to anyone and just lay on the plastic mattress staring at the ceiling. I didn’t shower, I didn’t eat. I might as well have been dead, because that is what it felt like,\u2019 she admits.<\/p>\n

One morning she woke to find another patient hiding in her room. \u2018I heard a voice say, \u201cYou\u2019re finally awake.\u201d I didn\u2019t know if it was real or a dream. Later, staff found him. I was terrified.\u2019<\/p>\n

Gradually, Elle began to talk to other patients. \u2018A lot of the people were so nice. And so were the staff. I look back on it now as the best and worst six weeks of my life, because for the first time I was around people that understood. I didn\u2019t have to hide anymore.<\/p>\n

\u2018One man, who wore women\u2019s leggings, a high-vis jacket and had no front teeth, turned out to be one of the kindest people I\u2019ve ever met. If he hadn\u2019t seen me, he\u2019d get staff to check I was eating. I could kick myself for judging him.\u2019<\/p>\n

\n
\n\t\t\"Depressed\t<\/div>
When she was first admitted to hospital, Elle refused to speak to people (Picture: Getty Images)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

However, Elle says she was disappointed by the lack of professional support. Besides medication, she only saw a psychiatrist twice in six weeks and had no individual therapy. Promised activities were often cancelled due to staff shortages and she found group work to be useless.<\/p>\n

As Christmas<\/a> approached, the mum felt desperate to return home to her son and she was discharged. Once home, her suicidal feelings returned.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u2018I felt safe in hospital, but as soon as I’d come back, there was just everything at your fingertips. And no one can protect you from everything all the time.\u2019<\/p>\n

Elle was told she would see the home treatment team within 48 hours. However, she says that the appointment ‘was the most pointless 15 minutes of my life. A complete box-ticking exercise. I was then discharged from them and told I\u2019d be picked up by the community mental health<\/a> team within seven days.\u2019<\/p>\n

Weeks passed, then months – all with no support. Her mum desperately phoned services – her GP, the hospital, the home treatment team, the community mental health<\/a> team – again and again, only to be passed from one team to another.<\/p>\n

\n
\n\t\t\"Powerful\t<\/div>
Elle had been desperate to return home, but found it hard to cope (Credits: Getty Images)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Eventually Elle received a letter containing a psychiatrist\u2019s appointment in May. \u2018I cried and told my mum \u2013 I don\u2019t think I can last that long,\u2019 she remembers. \u2018We thought about private care but couldn\u2019t afford it.\u2019<\/p>\n

At night, Elle would lay wide awake, her mind whirring. During the day she was too nervous to leave the house. \u2018Everyone around me was on eggshells. I could just see the worry in their faces. It confirmed the idea in my head that I wasn\u2019t really worth it,\u2019 she says.<\/p>\n

Sadly, Elle made further attempts on her life, but she stopped going to hospital, because, she says, \u2018she didn\u2019t see the point.\u2019<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t until last August that Elle finally received meaningful help, when she received a referral to see an \u2018absolutely brilliant\u2019 NHS psychologist.<\/p>\n

\u2018She follows me up, books appointments, and calls weekly to check in,\u2019 explains Elle. \u2018She treats me like a human being.\u2019 <\/p>\n

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\n\t\t\"\"\t<\/div>
Elle has written a book about her experience (Picture: Supplied)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The regular support has been invaluable and feeling stronger and stable, Elle has since begun sharing her experience online. She’s also heard from others who have been through the same and seen gaps in care, which inspired Elle to set up the charity<\/a> What About Now<\/em>, named after the question she asked when discharged with no follow up.<\/p>\n

With the aim to create community spaces for people who feel isolated <\/a>or unsupported, the charity\u2019s main initiative, Chatty Corner<\/em>, partners with local caf\u00e9s in Bromley and Bexley where Elle sets aside time each week for anyone to drop in for companionship, a listening ear, practical advice or simply a safe place to talk. She hopes to expand the model nationally, building an inclusive network that makes support accessible regardless of income.<\/p>\n

\u2018I don\u2019t think anyone should be discharged from hospital into nothing. People deserve meaningful aftercare and more needs to be done to protect people when they are at their most vulnerable,\u2019 the mum, who has written a book about her experience, adds.<\/p>\n

\u2018I am much stronger now. I keep busy with my son and the charity. I still have bad days, but I feel the best I\u2019ve felt in a long time. However, I am angry because I nearly died, and my little boy nearly lost his mum because I fell through the cracks. I don\u2019t want anyone else to go through what I did.\u2019<\/p>\n

Metro has contacted Oxleas NHS Foundation Trust for comment. <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n


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